I hope your day is as great as mine or better. I don’t know about you but here it’s a Beautiful Day. The sun is shining the birds are chirping and there is just a slight breeze blowing. My little girl gave me a card today that is proudly placed on the fridge door and my boy shot hoops with me for half an hour. So far so good .

Yesterday was brutal but today is a day of relaxing, house work, and fun. Today is a great day. These are the days I love. I feel good.  I’m taking this as a sign that my depression is getting under control. If it wasn’t after yesterday I don’t believe I could of functioned at all today. But I can and do feel better then I have in a long time.

I believe I have gotten past the worst part of my symptoms from the meds. I’ve lost a tone of weight to much to fast I’ve gone from 185 Lbs. to 160, in less then 2 months. I’ve just begun light exercise so I hope I can keep the weight off and get my strength back to were it was before I lost all those pounds.

I’m going to try again to go back to work. I think I can handle it again physically and my mood swings have gotten back under control except for yesterday, but I think that was to be expected. The good thing about my position is that I have others to do the lifting for me when I just can’t handle the exertion or need a break.

It will be nice to get some serious income coming back in. I have one of my own jobs that I need to get on asap. I think I may just consider doing a lot more of my own jobs. Much better money lol.

Anyway I have some dishes that need doing and maybe a walk after that. Have a great day and I might be back later.

Later and Cheers

Jamie

What was to be the happyest day of our lives is now the saddest of mine.

AB and I spoke last night and professed the love for each other we have. There may still be hope for us yet. But that wont happen until my recovery. AB has gone through having a loved one suffering from Depression several times and can’t bare to see me go through the same it seams. I know I’m stronger whith her by my side but I guess this is a fight she feels she can’t watch. I will just have to do this one with the suport that I have now. I will keep in touch with her and when or if the time is right we will get back together or we wont..

I’m not giving up. It’s not in my charecter to do that.

I think I’ll try to end this Day soon, so I can get past it and get on with getting better.

Later

Jamie

AB I love you.

later and cheers

Jamie

Well I scanned the apartments not one 3 bedroom apt. I got on to the houses. First one I see 3 bed 2 bath in town, $800 a month + utilities, in town . I read the hole add, Damn no pets and no smokers… Scratch that one.. Next Sweet 5 BED 3 BATH, heated garage, grrrrrr 30 min west of town. Piss me off. But wait whats this? Newer large 3 bedroom 2 bath house 12 min south of Parry Sound. Hmm sounds good what else? Omfg!!!! This is it!! Year round road, and 850 Ft. of shore line. Did that just say 850 of shore line????? Nice it did! $1200 a month that’s heaven with a price tag I can afford if I want. Including utilities holy crap there has to be a catch.. Nope no catch. Just take care of snow in the winter and grass in the summer … Nice.

Well I think I want.. Ya I want, it this is awesome .

If I don’t get it it’s because there is something even better coming soon woot!

Man that’s scary the power of thought.    Ya I watched the Secret twice now I highly recommend it. Seeing as I’ve been all thumbs lately It gets 10 big thumbs up from me. Hell I think I’ll buy it and the book.

For those of you who have never seen it or even heard of it the next time you are out to rent a movie GET IT! and don’t just watch it once, watch it a few times over a few days. I find it so appealing that I have rented it a second week. The movie is a documentary on the power of positive thinking, or How they put it The Law of Attraction. The movie includes some very successfully people who you may recognise. From different walks of life. Hell just the inspiration it will give you is worth the cost to rent or even buy it.

Every one gets their strength to keep on keeping on from somewhere. I feel sorry for those people who never find their inner power to fight past the pain, and sorrow that life throws at them. They at best give up, and settle for something less, or run, lieing to themselves saying this is for the best. Refusing to face their fears. They truly believe that running will make things better, but it never does. Sure it might for a bit but it comes back sooner or later. Unless we learn from our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them.

There is hope for those two examples. I don’t remember were I heard it but I’ll quote it none the less ” With life there is always hope.”

Think about that for a minuet. What does that mean to you?

I guess it depends on your personality. If you are an optimist, or a pessimist. Is the glass half full, or half empty?

A pessimist will look at things believing they might get better. An optimist, no that word or name or condition deserves to be printed in capitals.. An OPTIMIST knows things will get better.

There is a problem though. There is another type of person. this person gives up period they cash in there chips and figure life is not worth living.. When I think of this to hard I feel like crying. Life is precious and meant to be lived not thrown away like it’s trash.  For anyone who thinks there is no way out but to take your own life there is help.. You are strong enough to face life you just need help. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Look around you and find the beauty that’s there. If you don’t see it look harder. Trust me. It’s there. All you need to do is find it. Have an open mind and let it in, even close your eyes and listen for it. I don’t care were you are there is beauty all around you. You just need to look to find it. It’s there. Find help don’t give up. There are total strangers every were that devote their lives to helping people with their problems. Not because the money is good but because they Care about people and want to help them get better and live a healthy happy life

I found help, before I got that low in my depression some people don’t. I believe that it’s our responsibility as human beings to look after one another and help each other better our selves. I believer if we all did that the world would be a much better place then it is now.

I’m not saying to go out and join The Piece Corp, Volunteer your time at a shelter or hand out blankets to the people who need them in the winter. Although they are Very noble things to do. It can and is as simple and easy as saying Hi to some one as you pass or offering help to some one who might need it. Or telling, that special person in your life thank-you and that you appreciate the things they’ve done for you. Just do it with out expecting a thing in return. Do it because it’s the right thing to do and know you become better then you are by doing it….

Lead by example, doing this will make the world a better place, one person at a time. That’s Positive thinking.. Be an OPTIMIST and help make a persons life just a little better.

Sorry for the bouncing around and length. I hope I touched something in you with this post.

Just remember to think positive, and things will always turn out for the better.

Later and Cheers

Jamie

Later and cheers

Jamie

So sweet I get to live my life again with little chance of this happening again.

Talked to AB for a minuet today… God I miss her.. I just want to hold here tight and never let her go.. But I can’t so I guess there’s no sence dwelling on it.

She need’s time but she is just so unhappy lately I wish I could make things better for her…

God these pills suck the life from me it’s so hard to feel anything on them and I have only been on them 6 days I hope it dosn’t get worse.

The Doc wants me to keep my appointments with my therapist to once a week… I need to get my ass back to work but I barely have the energy to eat right now ….  This is going to be hard …

I think today will be my last day off of work. Now that I have started my treatment and am continuing my therapy I feel that I can begin to concentrate on my family, friends, and my job.

According to the guys I’ve been a miserable S.O.B. for quite some time so I hope that changes.

On a good note I slept for 8 hours last night . I must of been so exhausted mentally and physically I didn’t wake up once. I sure hope that will continue.

My kids will be here tonight and I’m looking forward to that. I sure did miss them. I don’t regret my choice to send them back to their mom early last week. I think that decision was the right one. It wasn’t fair for them to see me in the state I was in, but at least I did the responsible thing and removed them from the situation. Now I have to make the ex understand that it was temporary and that the kids will be fine. Strange thing is even with her being the mother of my kids she seams very concerned about my well being and not just for the kids sake either. Though that must play a part.

I am still having moments were I just feel like giving up but I better understand them now I think. I realize that given time and work it will pass. So I can deal with it better now.

I do have one fear regarding this and that’s the length of time I will need treatment… Because of the length of time that I went before beginning this hard journey it may lengthen the time I need to be treated, Ah fuck it I don’t care how long I need treatment. I think the destination is worth any length of trip.

It’s amazes me the strength of spirit a determined person can generate when they get to a point in life were they feel they can’t lose one more thing without giving up on life and just saying FUCK IT! I’M DONE WITH THIS SHIT! I think I hit that point when I wrote the post ” Choices ” I think I could of swung either way at that point. Anger is a very good motivator some times. I think I got so tired of my self doubt and guilt that I became frustrated with myself. I have an A type personality I’ve been told in the past. I really don’t care what my personality type is all I know is what it was for the last year or more is not what it was once was.

My true personality or at least the one I had before I became ill was very different. I was very outgoing, athletic, although not in the best of shape (too much beer I think), I was able to take criticism as a learning tool, I always learn from my mistakes, I’m VERY aggressive in every aspect of my life. Whether in work or my personal life. My sex drive is  through the roof… lol and according to my past lovers if they can be believed I’m damn good at it … Ladies even if you lied to me thanks so much for the boost. When I set my sights on something I don’t stop till I’ve got it or decided that it’s not what I thought it was. That’s mostly directed towards women though.  Just because the wrapper is awesome doesn’t mean what’s inside is.. I guess the same goes to men .

I guess I might have just a bit to much testosterone flooding my vains…….

Wow I just realized something…. I switched from past tense to present………… Nice!

Hmmm I wonder if I can get a six pack at 37??? lol sorry just a random thought .

I guess my future has just gotten a hole lot brighter. Man it’s almost blinding the endless possibility’s that all hinge on just one thought…. One decision…. One choice…… One fight….. Need I say it? One belief….. I am going to be the true me again…

I love my life no matter how fucked up it is lol. I’m the master of my own destiny. I control what happens in my life the bad stuff I will consider life lessons. The good things I will consider mine and what I deserve and because I want them. And I’ll be grateful for every happy moment that has happened in my past and what has yet to happen.

I know it will be hard for a bit but as I go on it Will get much easier.. So easy it will become my nature once again and it will be as though it was never lost…

Heh look out everyone I’m coming back and I have a LOT to catch up on, and I don’t plan on being timid about it either. I’m sorry if I step on your toes when I’m getting back up to speed but like the saying goes, “Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way”. I lead I don’t follow. You have a problem with that? Tough… Deal with it.

Another thing I know is that this blog is helping me sort my problems out and I think I will keep it up for a long time just so I can look back and say wow what a mess this guy was but look at him now.

I’ll leave it at that for today I think.. I have a lot of editing to do on past posts just in case I decide to post it on my face-book page. Lol that will most likely cause a shit storm with AB but this is for me not her. Wish me luck and remember You control your life no one else. If you don’t like your life don’t just sit there, do something about it… I think I’ll write about that next time.

later and cheers

Jamie

I finlay know who my enemy is and can prepare to kick it’s ass

if you know of any good reading on the subject please leave some info in the comments, and thanks.

Jamie

I’m grateful for the two healthy and happy kids I have. My crazy ass dog. My friends and family. My job. Having the opportunity to share a large part of my life with AB and learning from that experience. I’m grateful for the ability to learn from my mistakes…. I’m grateful for life… I’m now on the road to recovery and plan on living it to the best of my ability.

I think I might have a much brighter outlook on life very soon. there is just so much to see and do and look forward to. I can’t wait.

I hope to have much happier posts coming very soon.

later and cheers

Jamie

Then there is today I feel a bit mellow mostlikely from all the tumoil thats been going on I don’t feel depressed today just tired.

I think I might even get a good nights sleep tonight for a change.

I rented a movie today called The Secret. It was recomended to me so I’m going to watch it and see what its all about but first I have a Yorkie that needs a walk lol might even be good for me too.

I’ll be back later

cheers

Jamie